Game of Thrones: predictable?

    

     I think by now we have all heard of "A Game of Thrones" or as the HBO show calls it "Game of Thrones."  "A Game of Thrones" is the first book in "The Song of Ice and Fire" series written by the illustrious George R. R. Martin.  These books were loved by many for years before eventually being picked for the HBO series.  At the time the series started "The Song of Ice and Fire" was four books long with another three on the way.  George wasn't exactly known for his prolific writing skills at the time, so it came as no shock to his readers when it was stated that he hadn't finished "The Winds of Winter" in time for the sixth season of HBO's show.  Readers of the series famously had to wait six years between books before.  What I'm trying to say is George writes at the pace of a procrastinating fifth grader.

    With all that said I have made it my mission to avoid watching the show while I work my way through all the books.  I have a Facebook, and a Twitter so most of you can tell that isn't possible.  Nevertheless I have worked my way through a few of the books (slowly so maybe "The Winds of Winter" will come out before I'm done).  Now there is a lot of talk about who Jon Snow's parents are, and as I understand it HBO has just come out and said it.  Many people are acting like this is some kind of huge spoiler that HBO has released upon the world like a scourge of demons.  But honestly if you read the first book, and weren't able to put this together on your own I'm very concerned for your mental well being.  This is where you stop reading if you've somehow avoided this revelation.  No seriously I'm going to start making jokes about it and everything anytime now.  No one will launch a war to rescue you from this...Okay here we go.



    The absolute first thing I want you to remember is that when George R. R. Martin started to write these books he intended to write them as a trilogy.  Then as so often happens to writers he found more in his world to write about.  This expanded further and further until the series took on a monstrous size, bloating and bubbling into a swamp monster that consumes the minds of all that come in contact with it (this is the weirdest compliment I have ever given).  However "A Game of Thrones" was written before the great expansion started, and still has the elements of a trilogy.  Things you can tell from reading just the first book: Daenerys Targaryen, Jon Snow, and Tyrion Lanister are all extremely important characters to the series.  Why?  Well these are the three characters that are out of place in the first book.  Jon is a bastard that doesn't really know his parentage.  Tyrion is a Lanister (maybe) the only one that is a POV character at this time.  Daenerys is a princess without a home.  Ask yourself why would we want to follow these characters?  Holy crap-nugget it's because they're important.  But we follow other characters aren't they important.  Well...Yeah in a special snowflake kind of way sure.  But if you look at these you'll notice a theme: Ned is a noble Lord of the house Stark, nothing to prove.  Cat is the noble Lady of house Stark, useful for her reactions, but otherwise just like Ned.  Arya is Ned's daughter and a tom boy, her stories will always be about how she's found herself in a more and more violent profession.  Sansa is the helpless damsel, that is the sum total of her role.  What does that leave us with?  Jon the ultimate underdog, a boy that no one expects too much greatness from.  Tyrion a dwarf that gets by on his wit, and intellect (a writer's favorite).  Finally Daenerys another huge underdog, so much so she doesn't even have a land to call her own.



    Throughout every Ned chapter in the book there is a theme of showing him as the ultimate stand up guy, and having go through what can only be called PTSD flashbacks.  George R. R. Martin pairs Ned with King Robert, both in the events of the book, and the past that only gets referenced.  This is a common trick in fiction, pairing one character with the mirror opposite.  Ned is the epitome of honor, civility, and chastity (no not the stripper you pervert).  While Robert is in no uncertain terms a drunk womanizing glory hound (speaking of weird compliments).  This makes it weird that he would have had a bastard at all doesn't it.  Both Jon and Cat mention in their chapters that Ned never speaks about who Jon's mother is.  Cat has her suspicions as to who it is but it never gets mentioned.  Ned on the other hand gets excited when he finds out that Jon is going to join the Night's Watch, and says he'll tell Jon about who is mother is then.  Weird.  It's almost like he wasn't talking about it to protect Jon or something...why would that be?  Not to mention in every one of those PTSD flashbacks Ned is talking to his sister that is asking him to promise her something, I wonder what that could be?  No honestly think about it what could you possibly want someone to promise so bad that you wheeze it at them on your death bed, over, and over.  Promise me you'll take out the garbage Ned!  No that doesn't make sense.  Promise me you'll kill all the bastards that took me!  Hmm...maybe but that doesn't seem quite right.  Promise me you'll take my son, raise him as your own and protect him from harm!  Bingo!  That's the kind of thing you ask for as a promise on your death bed.



    So the first book all but tells us that Lyanna Stark is Jon's mom, but who is his dad then?  Ned?  Eww, no.  The book pretty clearly states that Ned and Robert went to save her from Rheagar and his rape-palace (a.k.a the Tower of Joy).   Wait...wasn't Rheagar the prince, and the next in line for the Iron Throne at the time?  Yup.  Weren't all his children killed?  Well...mostly.  Does that mean that Jon is the rightful heir to the old throne?  Yup.  But what about Dany?  Well Targaryen's are known to marry each other aren't they?  Yeah, but...ohhh.  That's right, that's where this whole thing is headed.



    Hey mean old writer man you ruined the story for me!  I did say there were spoilers up at the top didn't I?  I gave you like three warnings, that's more than my two year old needs.  Well...I don't believe you, so there! Why am I imagining you as a snotty six year old?  I may need mental help...  Anyway, the evidence is all right there in the book.  If you don't believe me read it again, or for the first time, I won't judge.  Man you read quick.  You mean all the things I talked about are there, wizard!  Oh but you don't believe me because you think that the author Mr. Snail Fingers himself meant this as the prolific thing it is.  Well you should have clicked the link I provided earlier.  That's right I have you in a mental checkmate.  Your welcome.

Paw Patorl: a parent's nightmare

 

credit Amazon.com

    I want to take a second to talk to you all about a show that has touched my heart.  By that of course I mean I have been forced to watch it over and over again by a tyrannical three year old.  This show's name is Paw Patrol.  If asked to give a brief synopsis I would say it's best described as a show about a town that was so irresponsible it placed an eight year old in charge of all it's emergency services, and paid for mutant dogs to staff it.  Whoa!  Cool your jets man, you're likely thinking.  How dare I attack a kids show like that, after all it's not really supposed to make sense right?  Well kinda (also didn't you see my post about Frozen?).  See most of these shows manage to play around with the schizophrenic visions that are a child's imagination, but this show, this show just goes off the wall.

    You see in this show an eight year old boy named Ryder leads a team of dogs eponymously named the Paw Patrol.  Each dog has a job related to public safety in some way.  Chase is the police/spy (more on that later) dog.  Marshal is the fire/ems dog.  Zuma (Who names a dog that?  That's like what you name your favorite scooter) who is the water dog.  Sky is the lone female full time dog, and she is the one that flies (even though she's now largely irrelevant.  Keep reading you'll see).  Ruble the construction dog.  Rocky the recycling dog. Lastly there is the per diem dog Everest, she is only called on when they end up in the snow (and even then sometimes she isn't).

    The first question I remember asking was where is the EMS dog?  Well turns out they thought the show needed a recycling dog so they just made the fire dog also the EMS dog.  Marshal by the way is the bumbling idiot of the group, but that's okay he always tries his hardest...sigh.  So what does the recycling dog do you ask?  Oh he repairs things of course.  Wait you say, what about that rumble, or whatever, isn't he the construction dog?  Yeah, but they had to fit the recycling dog in there somehow.

    After watching it for the eight hundredth time it dawned on me that this show is possibly the most irresponsible town imaginable.  Not only does it's mayor think that an eight year old is fit to run it's emergency services, but she also thinks anything, and I do mean anything, is a reason to call him for help.  Holy abuse of power batman.  Not to mention this teaches kids that anything is a reason to call 911.  Ouchy I fell and need a bandaid, better "yelp for help" so marshal can bring me one.  Seriously that's what he does when he's the EMS dog, hand out bandaids.

credit paw-patrol.wikia.com

    In a later episode named "air pups" all the dogs get jet packs.  You might be able to see how this makes the whole show kind of stupid for one character, the only female that's eligible for benefits (what would those be anyway, milk bone insurance?).  Yes I'm talking about Sky.  See now that they can all fly, even the dog that's scared of heights, Marshal (I told you he was the bumbling idiot right?), it makes her ability to fly pointless.  Yet there she is every episode talking about how she could fly up there, wherever there is.  Then she yips twice because that's the only way any of them can get their equipment to work, and flies up to do some kind of malarkey.

  
    Here's where I turn everything on its head, the fact that Ryder is in charge makes sense.  It makes sense because every adult in the town is severely mental disabled.  The mayor thinks anything is a reason to call emergency services like I said earlier, but is also so dumb that at one point she rows a boat in circles without noticing.  The only other adult we see on a regular basis is the marine biologist that can't handle basic tasks like watching his own boat, or not getting stuck at sea.  Finally there's the pet chicken that the mayor has named Chickolletta (yet more evidence that the mayor isn't all there).  This bird is on a mission to screw things up.  It routinely gets itself into dangerous, and stupid situations.  At one point it finds it's way into a submarine with a cat, and starts messing with the controls causing it to dive with them in it.  Mayor-calls-too-much calls the Paw Patrol to come save her pet.  Then they all laugh about what they learned, even though I'm pretty sure the mayor, and the marine biologist from hell are both incapable of learning.  Hooray for abuse of power.

can you say "government overreach?"

    Speaking of abuse of power, let's talk about Chase.  Chase has two settings police, and spy.  Let's just pause for a moment and think about that.  That means that the writers thought hmm...what goes well with police?  Oh I've got it spying!  Good!  I meant to explain the Patriot Act to my three year old anyway.  Paw Patrol just made it convenient.  Not to mention NSA-dog always seems to know what costume to be in before Ryder tells him what he needs...hmm I wonder how?  No matter how he must be sharing that information with his buddies, because all the other dogs seem to have the same "clairvoyance."

    The last thing I want to harp on is the over present marketing.  Every other episode seems to introduce some new vehicle that was clearly made to be a toy.  There's the Paw Patroller a large bus driven by a robot dog; who honestly could replace all of the paw patrol for a quarter of the cost.  Then there is the Tower which you too can have for the low-low price of $50.00 ($49.99 really but come on).  Not to mention the hundreds of costume changes the dogs go through.  Then there is the cleverly named Air Patroller which is as you may have guessed an airborne Paw Patroller flown by the same robot dog.  Where is our beloved leader getting all this money from?  The mayor?  Is that her one spot of competency?  She can raise funds?  Or is this a dystopian future where super PAC's run even town governments, and dog labor is cheaper than people labor?  Either way I sure don't have the money for all the made in China, no-lead-paint-we-promise toys.

    I can feel my sanity slowly slipping away with every episode.  God help you if you're in my shoes too.  Leave a comment if you are, so I can start putting a support group together.